Life After Remission: It’s Just the Beginning🚶🏾♂️
𝗜’𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗮𝗻 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗮 𝗹𝗼𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆… 🤦🏽
Trying to keep my head above water and focused.
Being mindful of this journey and the divine lessons that are to come out of it because that’s what we’re always promised, right?
Doing the tango between depressive dips and moments of happiness.
Evoking a realization that I’ve had recently…
Everyone always talks about the journey towards remission (including past patients), but not much is ever spoken about the journey after.
PTSD.
Medical Bills.
Depression.
And Oh Yeah, Fucking Crippling Depression.
I’ve been feeling like Two-Face from Batman because on one hand, this is my reality:
I’m happy. I’m in good spirits and hardly ever go without being able to find something to be grateful for, I’m part of a leadership training program all around mindfulness & emotional intelligence, and my less-than-a-year-old business is doing well and already doing consistent profitable months.
But on the other hand, this is also my reality:
I’m sad. I’m depressive and I am so dedicated to my mindfulness and emotional intelligence work because these tools have been helping me from completely breaking down and crying in the middle of the streets, and even though my business is doing great, I literally get to keep 0% of the money because every single dollar goes to paying off my medical debts leaving me sometimes with wondering how I will be able to keep up and pay for rent for the month.
I’m literally struggling at times, trying to find the balance between existing and living, doing and being. Trying to stay mindful enough, reassuring myself that this is all ‘temporary’ just so that I can keep focusing on moving forward.
This chapter of my life as I’ve been describing it to my closest friends is ‘Chapter X: The Great Surf.’ 🌊
Because my mindfulness practices are like a surfboard keeping me balanced and focused. And at any given moment, I feel like a great big wave may come crashing down on me and wash me away. And sometimes I think to myself: “I wouldn’t mind that…”
Because no one ever really talks about life after remission. The journey of unbecoming, moving forward and healing the trauma.
And there’s not many people who can understand what folks who experience life-threatening illnesses & traumas go through. Not only before and during, but also after.
And I don’t blame them.
Because who would want to be reminded of their very own mortality by the struggles of their loved ones?
And, just like it took a lot of time for me to be comfortable with sharing that diagnosis a few years back … I’ve had to do the same thing here as I’ve been working to process all of the up’s and down’s of this emotional and mental rollercoaster that I’ve been on for quite some time now.
Out of the cave and into the light, up towards the blue sky feeling as if every thing is getting better — on the up & up. And then the next moment … the mechanics of my mental and emotional capacities shutting down causing me to crash back into the darkness.
Bankruptcy. Bankruptcy. Bankruptcy.
A suggestion that a few consulted lawyers have all given me. Because based on the interest rate of my current track, it will take me 26 years to pay everything off. Even though each consultant has warned me of the implications bankruptcy would have on my ability to have good credit, own a home, get married and start a family, responsibly.
One day in my Netflix Special when I’m able to look back on all of this and laugh … I’ll use a very truthful, but also rather sobering and sad punchline: 🎤
“…because if the cancer don’t kill you, they expect the bills & ptsd to…’’
Ba-dum-tshh!
One day.
One day.
Because, you see, this isn’t the typical post that we read about on our friends’ timelines or blogs.
About all the beautiful lessons they’ve learned now that they are on the other side.
Nope.
Because it is part of my reality right now. This is me reporting live from the shadows.
Muddiness. Griminess. Darkness.
And yet on the flipside…
Lovingness. Empoweringness. Gratefulness. (yeah I made those up.)
Because I’m so grateful … simply because I get to ‘be.’
It’s been my silver lining.
In all of my trauma and trepidation, I am working & loving through it right now, no matter how uncomfortable & difficult it’s been because I admit it has been very hard.
Working to unburden my heart and life as I fully step into my next chapter.
And, while this entry has been a lot about the darkness I’ve been feeling lately … I am going to close it with some gratitudes.
Maria, I am so grateful for you holding me down and being my rock throughout it all. Momma & Poppa, I am grateful for you two being here to support me with all of your love and presence. Bek, I am grateful for the beautiful leader that you are and reminding me to do what’s best for me right now. Tariq, I am grateful for our recent connection and reminder to give myself more credit. Mauricio, I am grateful for our recent random adventure and catching up as brothers in the desert.
And to you, Alex, I am so grateful for your resilience, for your focus, and for who you are, right now.
One day, I hope to help build the infrastructure, providing resources to assist those going through similar chapters like me.
But for now…
Reporting live from the shadows, I’m Alex Echols and I think it’s at least time to start having this conversation more.
If you are going through your own version of difficulties, trauma and healing right now … please know that you are not alone & you don’t have to do it all alone.
